Cast
Tori
Ayen
Mary

#1 Trouble in Paradise

Ring! Ring!

Tori: Picks up the phone Hello?
Ayen: Yeah, hon? They got me working overtime at the office so I'm going to be late for dinner.
Tori: Again? Isn't there anyone else out there that can cover for you?
Ayen: I'm afraid not, hon. I'll try to be home as soon as I can. Love you, bye.
Tori: Love you too. Hangs up
Mary: He's working late again?
Tori: I know... They've had him working overtime all week.
Mary: I see...
Tori: What?
Mary: Well, I don't want to alarm you but when my friend Carol's husband started working overtime she found out he was cheating on her.
Tori: No, Ayen wouldn't cheat on me.
Mary: I suppose not.
Tori: Although, I guess there would be no harm in checking the caller ID to make sure he's actually calling from work?
Mary: I guess there wouldn't be.
Tori: Leans over the couch and checks the caller ID I... I don't recognize this address at all.
Mary: Uh oh.
Tori: That son of a chibi! Rises up from her seat and heads outside I'll kill him!
Mary: Now, Tori, let's not do anything rash! Hurries to grab her popcorn and drink before following Tori out to the car
Tori: When I get my hands on him he's going to wish his boss was making him work overtime! Get in, Mary!
Mary: I'm coming! I'm coming! I only got both my hands full here, jeez!

The two drove off in Tori's car and moments later parked in front of a home where the only lights that were on was coming from the garage door

Mary: Really? You have a whole house at your disposal and you pick the garage?
Tori: Come on!
The two exit the car and move up to the garage door where Tori lifts it open and the two gasp at what they saw inside.
Tori: Oh my God!
Mary: It's worse than we thought.
Nissan Skyline: Vroom! Vroom!
Ayen: Under the hood I know you do, baby!
Tori: AYEN!
Ayen: jumps, hitting his head against the hood moon turds! Drops his tools Dammit! Gets out from under the hood and spins around to see Tori and Mary Tori! It's not what it looks like!
Mary: Yeah... I'm going to go now Walks off
Tori: You've been pretending to work overtime this whole week so you can work on a car!? And you don't even have the class to cheat on me with a Dodge Charger?
Nissan Skyline: VROOOOOM!
Ayen: Shh, shh, baby. She didn't mean it.
Mary: from the front of the house I just remembered you're my ride home so I'm just going to wait by the car!
Ayen: Look, Tori, I didn't mean for it to end up this way. I stopped by the bar on my way home from work and well...

FLASHBACK!

Ayen: Is given a drink by the barkeep Keep them coming!
Nissan Skyline: Drives up to Ayen, Vroom! Vroom!
Ayen: Blushes Not much. Just killing some time before going back to the misses. I'm married Shows wedding ring
Nissan Skyline: Vroom! Vroom!
Ayen: You're too kind.
Nissan Skyline: Vroom! Vroom!
Ayen: Thanks. Some times though it feels like she can't stand to be around me.
Nissan Skyline: Vroom? Vroom?
Ayen: She yells at me every now and again.
Nissan Skyline: Vroom? Vroom?
Ayen: I suppose it is.
Nissan Skyline: Vroom! Vroom!
Ayen: I appreciate it.
Nissan Skyline: Vroom? Vroom?
Ayen: I... I don't think that would be the best idea. I had a lot to drink.
Nissan Skyline: Vroom! Vroom!
Ayen: …
(Before I knew it one thing led to another)

Ayen leans back into the car seat with a moan, strapping himself in and then caressing the steering wheel and listening to the purr of the engine before putting the car in drive and slamming his feet on the gas pedal
Ayen: WOOHOO!
Nearly runs over a bunch of innocent people while driving around like a maniac, police sirens sounds seconds later as a patrol car starts chasing him down – Ayen sees the patrol car in his rear view mirror and narrows his eyes, pushing the heel of his foot even harder on the gas as he picked up speed and made a jump across an opening ramp
(That DID NOT happen!)

FLAHBACK END!

Ayen: Okay, so I made that last part up. And I know this is a bad time to ask but I'm going to need you to drive me to my court date tomorrow for the DUI because they took my license away.
Mary: Distant voice Is he still talking about the car?
Tori: They took your license away!?
Ayen: Only temporarily until I can get the help I need.
Tori: Whose house is this anyway?
Ayen: Well... It's mine.
Tori: WHAT?!
Ayen: I just bought it so I can work on the car, I got a very good deal for it!
Tori: You have a DUI and you bought a house!? We can barely afford the house we have now!
Ayen: What? I'm not paying for that DUI I'm fighting it. I was not drunk, Tori, I was tipsy. There's a big difference!
Tori: You loss your license, got pulled over for driving under the influence, put yourself and everyone else on the road in danger and bought ANOTHER house all for this harlot?
Nissan Skyline: Vroom! Vroom!
Tori: What did you call me?
Nissan Skyline: Vroom! Vroom!
Tori: You wanna go? We're go!
Ayen: Stands in front of Tori Tori, please, I just got the carburetor fixed and gave her a new paint job.
Tori: You know what, Ayen? If you'd rather spend your time alone working on this car then you can walk yourself to the courthouse and don't bother coming home! Storms off
Ayen: Tori, please! Wait!
Nissan Skyline: Vroom! Vroom!
Ayen: Don't you make this any worse than it already is!
Tori: Enters the car and drives off with Mary
Ayen: Drops to knees and starts crying
Nissan Skyline: Drives after Tori
Ayen: Nissan, no!

Mary: I'm guessing that didn't go so well.
Tori: Sees the Nissan coming in her rear view mirror Oh she is not! Stops abruptly and pulls out a bat
Mary: Tori, what did I say about not doing anything rash? Tori, it's not worth it!
Tori: Gets out of the car with the bat and faces the Nissan
Nissan Skyline: Vroom! Vroom! HONK!
Tori: You wanna play, chibi? Let's play! Swings the bat against a headlight smashing it
Ayen: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! Running to the scene
Tori: Continues to swing the bat against the hood of the car, smashing the front windshield and then going around the car busting out each window, denting the door and a taillight before delivering a couple more swings to the top
Ayen: Throws himself in front of the car No more please for the love of God stop!
Tori: Screams and throws the bat away before going back into her car and driving off
Ayen: Cries some more I'm so sorry, babe. I never meant for any of this to happen!


Tori is alone inside a shopping mall looking over clothes when she feels a soft tap against her shoulder prompting her to turn around to see a beautiful dark green silk dress with a long skirt and sleeves waving at her.
Tori: Oh, hi. Sees the price tag is five thousand dollars and gasps I'm afraid you're much too expensive for me.
Dress: The top of the dress tilts down in sorrow
Tori: So sorry. Tori picked out a sunflower dress and held it up to herself while looking in the mirror
Dress: Rises up in front of the dress and leans up against Tori while she's still looking in the mirror
Tori: I already told you no! Turns around and puts the sunflower dress away
Dress: Wraps its sleeves around Tori from behind and whispers into her ear
Tori: You're very sweet but money is tight right now – I shouldn't even be here. I got into a fight with my husband and–
Dress: Unwraps sleeves from around Tori and shakes them to signal her to stop, leading her back over in front of the mirror as it fastened a white necklace around her neck, diamond earrings on her ears, a silver bracelet for her right arm, ruby red lipsticks on her lips and matching nail polish
Tori: No, no, I can't afford this–
Dress: Holds open sleeve to her mouth to shush her and brings up a matching green leather purse to go with the dress
Tori: This is perfect! Takes the purse and holds it
Dress: Holds up a pair of white slipper heels as well
Tori: Fusses I can't get any of this. Maybe if my no good husband didn't need to pay for a DUI, a second house and a stupid car maybe we'd have more money lying around.
Dress: The dress slowly inserted it sleeve into Tori's pocket
Tori: Gasps, shivers softly at the fabric brushing against her leg
Dress: Pulls out her credit card and waves it in her face
Tori: Looks at it through wide eyes and a smile You magnificent bastard, I could kiss you!

A FEW MINUTES LATER

Tori: Leaves the store in the green dress, heels, the purse around her right shoulder and carrying four bags, two each per hand while singing I'm the most beautiful girl in the world! And boys will be howling, and girls will be growling as I walk through the door! Yes, I'm the most beautiful girl – the most beautiful girl – the most beautiful girl...!
Passer Byer: Get over yourself!
Tori: Trips the person
Passer Byer: Falls to the floor Hey!
Tori: IN THE WORLD! Dances off with a grin


Tori was home in her room looking at herself in the mirror
Tori: I could be a princess in this – no, a queen. Or an empress. Queen Tori – Empress Tori – Queen Tori – Empress Tori – I'm not sure which sounds better I could get used to both. I could have a castle and a league of royal subjects that yields to my every command and shirtless man servants who see to my every desire and fan me with palm leaves while feeding me grapes!
Dress: Whispers
Tori: It's only sexist when men do it.
Dress: Whispers
Tori: No it is not! Besides, there isn't a straight man alive who wouldn't want to be mine when they see me in this.
Dress: Whispers
Tori: Gay men are welcomed to be fanned and fed grapes alongside me, they are fabulous!
Suddenly Tori could hear the sound of the door downstairs opening and closing as Ayen made his return to the house
Tori: moon turds! Tori quickly changed clothes and hid the dress in the closet, removed her jewelry and makeup and then got into bed putting a random book in her face by the time Ayen entered the room
Ayen: Um... Hi...
Tori: Lowers the book and fake smiles Hello, Ayen, I didn't recognize you without your head under a hood.
Ayen: Yeah, yeah, get your shots in. I had to replace six windows, a door, a headlight and a taillight because of you.
Tori: Well maybe the next time you want to take a joyride and buy a house YOU'LL CONSULT ME!
Ayen: Sniffs the air Is that perfume?
Tori: No it isn't.
Ayen: Walks over to the closet
Tori: Don't open it!
Ayen: Opens the closet to find the dress What the–!? What are you doing in here!
Ayen pulls the dress out of the closet and starts wrestling with it
Tori: Crawls over to the edge of the bed You both stop it right now!
Dress: Starts to strangle Ayen
Ayen: Coughs and struggles
Tori: Knock it off right now!
The two fall to the floor and Ayen rolls to be on top of the dress, grabbing its front and then tearing it apart with his bare hands
Tori: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
Ayen: Take that you piece of moon turds! Teach you to mess around with my wife!
Tori: That dress cost five thousand dollars!
Ayen: Five thousand dollars!? We don't have that kind of money!
Tori: Oh, but we happen to have just enough lieing around to buy a car and a second home!? Isn't that convenient?
Ayen: The car didn't cost that much. The house didn't cost that much!
Tori: Well you may as well get rid of both because we'll be living in the streets thanks to your stupidity!
Ayen: I'm not the one who spent money we didn't have!
Tori: Well maybe if you didn't spend all your time in a damn garage I wouldn't have to seek comfort elsewhere!
Ayen: And maybe if you weren't such an enormous chibi I wouldn't have to hide out in a garage!
Tori: Starts to tear up I don't have to listen to this. I'm leaving!
Ayen: Fine! Leave! See if I care!
Tori: Runs out of the house crying
Ayen: Kicks the bed and sits down in a huff


Tori is sitting on a curb smoking a cigarette in the middle of the night as she's nearly blinded by headlights, the beams of which then turn low as the Nissan drove up
Tori: I see Ayen got you fixed.
Nissan Skyline: Vroom! Vroom!
Tori: At least he's under one of our hoods. Takes another drag of her cigarette
Nissan Skyline: Vroom! Vroom!
Tori: Yes I know it's bad for me. I don't smoke because it's healthy I smoke to relax. It was either that or alcohol and at least with this I won't pass out and wake up the next morning with a headache the size of your trunk.
Nissan Skyline: Vroom? Vroom?
Tori: No one drinks in moderation when they're upset.
Nissan Skyline: Vroom! Vroom!
Tori: Come to gloat?
Nissan Skyline: Vroom! Vroom!
Tori: For what?
Nissan Skyline: Vroom! Vroom!
Tori: That's very big of you. I suppose I owe you an apology too my behavior the other day was unacceptable.
Nissan Skyline:[b] Vroom! Vroom!
[b]Tori: I treat him no differently than any other wife treats their husband.
Nissan Skyline: Vroom! Vroom!
Tori: We're talking about the man who got behind the wheel of a car drunk off his chibi! He was lucky no one was seriously hurt or killed! What would he do if I wasn't here, if I just got hit by a bus or a piano fell on me? How would he manage on his own?
Nissan Skyline: Vroom? Vroom?
Tori: I don't mean to yell at him. It just tends to happen that way.
Nissan Skyline: Vroom! Vroom!
Tori: There's more to life than repairing cars.
Nissan Skyline: Vroom...
Tori: I suppose it is a start. Takes another drag
Nissan Skyline: Vroom? Vroom? Opens car door
Tori: I don't suppose you have an ashtray in there?
Nissan Skyline: VROOM!
Tori: You're all right, Nissan. Sits up and enters the car to drive home

Tori made it home, leaving the car in the driveway as she entered the house and looked for Ayen
Tori: Ayen? Are you there? We need to talk.
Ayen: Surprise!
Tori looked up to see Ayen at the top of the stairs holding up her dress that was now as good as new
Tori: My dress!
Ayen: Walks down the stairs I looked up how to sew online and managed to fix your dress for you, see?
Dress: Takes a bow and shakes Ayen's hand
Ayen: Good as new.
Tori: I don't know what to say...
Ayen: Just know I'm sorry. For everything. I figured it out and if I sell the second house and the car as well as take up a second job we can pay off the dress and everything else you bought at the store. It's the least I can do after everything.
Tori: That's actually what I wanted to talk to you about. Opens up the shades to show Nissan sitting outside
Ayen: Nissan! Runs outside to hug her
Tori: Follows him out alongside the dress
Nissan Skyline: Vroom! Vroom!
Ayen: You made up? That's great! Does this mean I can–?
Tori: Keep it? Yes.
Ayen: What about the money?
Tori: We'll sell my car.
Ayen: But you love that car.
Tori: I love you more. Besides, as it stands we only need one car and there's nothing wrong with having a Nissan.
Nissan Skyline: Vroom!
Ayen: I love you.
Tori: I love you too.
The two shared a kiss, Nissan honked her horn and flashed her lights in delight while the dress flapped his sleeves together in a clap
Ayen: What do you say you and I check out the backseat?
Tori: Ooh la la, I am there.
Nissan Skyline: VROOOOOOOOOOOM! Immediately pulls out of the driveway and runs off down the road
Ayen: Nissan! Chases after Don't be such a chibi block, Nissan!
Tori: Laughs
Dress: Shrugs
Nissan Skyline: HONK! HONK!
Ayen: Nissan you get your taillights back here this instance!

Cast
Tori
Ayen
Shinta
Nex
June
Lily
Mary

#2 Kitchen Wars

Ayen sat at the front of an assembly for men between his friends Shinta and Nex looking at a stage with a podium as people continued to enter the room and sit down

Ayen: So, when does the President arrive?”
Shinta: For the last time, Ayen, this isn't a Presidential Speech. It's an assembly for the KCK Men's Group.
Ayen: But there's a stage and a podium with a microphone.
Shinta: Oh yeah, I forgot those things are exclusive to the President Sarcasm
Nex: Shinta, let it go.
Shinta: Sighs
Nex: He'll be here any minute, Ayen.
Ayen: Do you think he'll give me his autograph?

An old white man got up on stage behind the podium and tested the microphone

Old Man: Test, test. Can you all hear me out there?
Ayen: Loud and clear, Mr. President! Wow, he turned old and white! Do you guys think the Republicans will leave him alone now?
Shinta/Nex: Facepalms
Old Man: Gentlemen and gentlemen. For many years us men have told women that their place belong in the kitchen. But now into the 21st Century I have discovered some facts that I think we all seriously need to consider.
Shinta: Oh finally, it's about time we talked about this.
Old Man: Being in the kitchen is exactly where they WANT to be!
Shinta: What?
Old Man: It has come to my attention that the kitchen is considered the biggest vantage point in the entire house. Why? What do we put in the kitchen? Our food! What else do we put in the kitchen? Our knives! What else do we put in the kitchen?
Ayen: A rolled up newspaper?
Old Man: That's right! Our medication! And let's not forget that they have full access to the stove. My friends, there are four different ways women can kill us.
Shinta: You have got to be kidding me.
Nex: Let's the man speak! I have a feeling this is going to be hilarious.
Old Man: Exhibit A...

FANTASY SEQUENCE

Wife: Here you go, dear! Enter dinning room and put the food on the table
Husband: Thank you, darling wife!
(It seems just like a regular evening at dinner between man and wife, yes? But no! Because what the husband doesn't know is that he's being fed vile poison!
Husband: Starts to choke My love, why!?
Wife: Because you left the toilet seat up again! Repeatedly beat man with rolled up newspaper
(Ayen: See guys? I was right!
Shinta/Nex: Shut up, Ayen!)

(Exhibit B...)
Husband: Darling wife, I have come home from a long day at work to give you this present.
Wife: Die, scumbag! Repeatedly stabs the husband in the chest with a kitchen knife
Husband: But I loved you! Bleeds out and dies horribly

(Exhibit C)
Wife: Open up the kitchen cabinet and pour two bottles of pills into the opposite bottle and put them back
Husband: A few moments later opens up the cabinet and grabs the pill bottle I better take my medicine so I can live longer to be with my beautiful wife! Takes pill and starts to choke I took the wrong pill! Dies
(And to top it all off she'll turn on the stove and burn the whole place to the ground along with any evidence!)
Wife: Muhahahahahaha! Turns on stove and sets the house on fire

END FANTASY SEQUENCE

Old Man: After putting out a life insurance policy on you so she can get rich from that and the home owner insurance.
Ayen: OH MY GOD! I have to get home, my wife could be in the kitchen right now! Runs out of the assembly to get back home
Old Man: Godspeed, my friend!
Shinta: I hate this town so much.


Tori: Enter the house Honey, I'm home! Sniffs the air and smells something cooking
Ayen: Peeks head out from the kitchen Welcome home, dear. Dinner will be ready in a few minutes so why don't you put your feet up and relax until then okay? Goes back into the kitchen
Tori: Long pause I'm in the wrong house. Steps outside, sees address and then walks back in Nope, this is my house.

Tori stepped into the dinning room and then joined Nissan and the dress at the table as Ayen set down their plates before putting down his own

Ayen: Eat up everyone.
Nissan Skyline: Vroom! Vroom!
Dress: Flaps sleeves together
Ayen: I'm glad you like it.
Tori: Who are you?
Ayen: I'm Ayen. Who are you?
Dress: Takes a big gulp of soup and wipes his top with his sleeve
Ayen: Stares at the dress questionably Uhh... Where does the food go?
Dress: Rubs tummy in response and then clutches onto it as he hunched over and then ran to the bathroom
Nissan Skyline: Vroom! Vroom!
Tori: You said it.
Ayen: Aren't you going to try your soup?
Tori: Hesitates, slowly sticks the spoon into the soup and bring it up to her lips
Ayen/Nissan: Lean in watching in suspense
Tori: Swallows, eyes widened in surprise as it goes down her throat Holy crap that taste amazing!
Ayen: You think so?
Nissan Skyline: Honk! Honk! Pour the soup underneath her hood
Tori: Where did you learn to cook like this?
Ayen: My mom. I used to watch her cook all the time.
Tori: That does it, from now on you're doing all of the cooking.
Dress: Loud grumbling noises come from the bathroom
Tori: How about a courtesy flush in there?
Dress: Flushes
Tori: That's better.


Tori meets up with her friends June, Lily and Mary at IHOP for breakfast
June: He cooked dinner for you?
Tori: Yeah and it was delicious.
Lily: Is he sick?
Tori: That's the amazing thing, he's completely healthy. I already took his temperature while he was sleeping.
June: You would have the only man in the world who'd willingly cook for you.
Mary: I think it's sweet.
Waiter Walks up to the girls' table What can I get you all today?
June: Pancakes.
Mary: Pancakes.
Lily: Pancakes.
Tori: I'll have a hamburger with cheese and a side order of fries, thanks.
June/Lily/Mary: WHAT!?
Mary: Sacrilege!
Lily: You're ordering lunch during breakfast, what the hell is wrong with you!?
Tori: I've done more than order lunch at breakfast time, I hurt you and I wish to go on hurting you...
June/Lily/Mary: …
Tori: Seriously? Nothing? You all have no idea what I'm referencing?
Lily: Is this another Doctor Who thing?
Tori: Doctor Who? Doctor Who!? You think this is Doctor Who!? It was Star Trek! Gets up and storms out Smurf you all! Don't know what Wrath of Khan is. I love Wrath of Khan!


Tori returns home and goes into the kitchen while talking with Nissan
Nissan Skyline: Vroom? Vroom?
Tori: I know right? There are kids in third world countries who know what Wrath of Khan is! Grabs a sandwich out of the fridge
Ayen: Enters the kitchen Oh, Tori, what are you doing?
Tori: What does it look like? I'm making a sandwich.
Ayen: Oh, please, allow me. You should be in the living room relaxing.
Tori: What the hell, Ayen, I know how to make myself a sandwich I'm not my father.
Ayen: What if I massaged your feet on the couch?
Tori: But you never want to massage my feet.
Ayen: I want to do it now.
Tori: Well, it has been a while since I had a good foot rub. I guess it couldn't hurt.
The two enter the living room and Tori lays down, Ayen sits at the end and start to rub her feet gently as Tori moans
Tori: Oh, God, this is better than sex! Uh... No offense.
Ayen: It's okay. This is better than sex for me too.
Tori: What?
Nissan Skyline: Vroom! Vroom!
Tori: Shut up, Nissan! Moans some more You know what would be really good?
Ayen: What?
Tori: If you also cleaned the house, did the laundry and took out the garbage in addition to doing the cooking. Do you think you can do that?
Ayen: Well, um...
Tori: It would make me very happy.
Ayen: I'll get right on that!
Tori: Thanks, baby. You're the best – ooh, that's nice!
Nissan Skyline: Vroom...


Tori: At her office leaning back in her chair whistling with a smile on her face
Shinta: Walks by seeing Tori in a good mood What has you in such a good mood?
Tori: Oh, nothing, just having the most wonderful husband in the world is all.
Shinta: I didn't know you remarried.
Tori: Laughs You're cute. You're cute.
Shinta: Wait, you actually mean Ayen?
Tori: Yes. He cooks for me, he cleans for me, he does the laundry. He's like one big cooking, cleaning, laundry machine!
Shinta: Since when?
Tori: Since a few days ago, really. I don't know what brought on his sudden change of heart but I'm not going to question it. I'm just going to throw my feet up Puts feet on desk And enjoy myself like a boss getting serviced  underneath his desk by his secretary.
Shinta: Oh my God – That's gross by the way – Oh my God!
Tori: I know right? It's pretty great.
Shinta: Tori, no, it's not pretty great.
Tori: What do you mean?
Shinta: Ayen is only doing all of this because he thinks you're going to kill him.
Tori: I'm sorry, could you repeat that.
Shinta: The speaker at our assembly made this stupid speech about all the ways a woman could kill a man from the kitchen and Ayen ran out of there screaming. Has he been hogging the kitchen making sure you stay out of there?
Tori: Possibly...
Shinta: Then that's why. He thinks you'll kill him if left alone in the kitchen so he's doing all these nice things for you.
Tori: Oh, I see what this is...
Shinta: Good.
Tori: You're just jealous that I have a wonderful husband who will wait on me hands and feet and you have NO ONE!
Shinta: What? That's ridiculous!
Tori: Is it, Shinta? Is it?
Shinta: Yes.
Tori: Well, I'm going home to my beautiful husband to enjoy a nice hot meal. Why? Because he loves me! And you can go home to your apartment where you split the rent WITH YOUR SISTER! Storms out of the office
Shinta: Beautiful husband?


Tori: Enters the house Honey, I'm home!
Ayen: In the middle of vacuuming, turns it off at the sight of his wife Oh, hi. You're home early. How was work?
Tori: Oh, you know the usual. What's for dinner? Walks into the kitchen to see nothing is prepared Where is dinner?
Ayen: I'm sorry, I've been busy cleaning all day that I haven't gotten around to making it yet.
Tori: What?
Ayen: I'll get to it in just a minute.
Tori: Just a minute? I work my ass off all day to provide for you the LEAST you can do is have dinner prepared and set on the table by the time I get home!
Ayen: I'm sorry!
Tori: You're sorry? You're sorry!? Sorry doesn't cut it, Ayen!
Ayen: Cries
Tori: What, baby's gonna cry? You're gonna cry like a crybaby you big cry–! Oh my God... What am I doing I'm treating you like – like my father treated my mom.
Ayen: Continues to sob
Nissan Skyline: Vroom! Vroom!
Tori: Quoting The Lion King is so 1994.
Nissan Skyline: Vroom! Vroom!
Tori: I'm not arguing that The Lion King isn't timeless, I'm arguing that quoting it isn't you stupid!
Nissan Skyline: Vroom? Vroom? Vroom! Vroom!
Tori: Stop quoting old movies!
Ayen: I'm sorry. Please don't kill me I love you.
Tori: No, Ayen, I'm the one who should be sorry. Here you are trying to do something nice for me and I'm taking advantage– Wait, what did you say?
Ayen: I love you?
Tori: Before that.
Ayen: I'm sorry.
Tori: After that.
Ayen: Please don't kill me.
Tori: Yeah, that. What makes you think I'm going to kill you?
Ayen: The speaker at the assembly said that the reason women spend so much time in the kitchen is so that they can kill us.
Tori: Whispers Son of a bitch Shinta was right... Normal tone of voice So, what you're telling me is, the only reason you were doing anything around the house at all is so that I wouldn't kill you?
Ayen: Yes!
Tori: Pause That is the nicest thing anyone has ever done for me. C'mere you!
Tori wraps her arms around Ayen and holds him tight in a big hug as the Nissan turns on the radio
Radio: Love lifts us up where we belong.
Tori: …
Radio: Where the eagles cry on a mountain high.
Tori: Goddammit, Nissan, what did I just tell you about quoting old movies!?

Love lifts us up where we belong
Far from the world we know, up where the clear wind blows

Cast
Tori
Ayen
Shinta
Nex
June
Lily
Mary

#4 The Atheist Agenda

Tori was watching TV when Ayen entered the room and looked at her from the doorway
Ayen: Hey, hon, you know how you're an atheist?
Tori: Yes...?
Ayen: And Shinta is an atheist?
Tori: Yeah?
Ayen: And June is an atheist, and Lily is an atheist, and Nex is an atheist?
Tori: Yes, yes, yes?
Ayen: Do you guys get together at like an enclosed location and talk about atheist things? Such as, but not limited to an agenda–?
Tori: For the last time, Ayen, there is no such thing as the Atheist Agenda! Unless by Atheist Agenda you mean making sure our rights not to believe in any set religion is protected by the law and not forced on us under the guise of tradition, then yes I suppose that would be an agenda, but it is not in itself an atheist agenda!
Ayen: Right. But if I was to make cookies for one of these get-togethers would you guys want some?
Tori: Sighs Yes.
Ayen: What kind of cookies?
Tori: Crosses arms Chocolate chip.
Ayen: I'll get right on that, then. Goes back into the kitchen


Tori, Shinta, June, Lily and Nex are at Lily's house around a kitchen table sharing the cookies Ayen baked for them

June: These cookies are delicious!
Tori: I know right? Can my husband cook or what?
Lily: It's going on Christmas, why didn't you have him bake Christmas cookies or put M&Ms in them?
Tori: Because he asked me! If you want someone to bake you cookies then get your own spouse.
Shinta: What are all of you doing for Christmas, anyway? June and I have to spend another day listening to the old man talk about how Obama is going to destroy the country and that America should keep the Christ in Christmas.
June: He's very stereotypical.
Lily: Ah, yes, that special time of year where the Christian majority act like their rights are actually being stepped on because there just happen to be other holidays that happen around this time of year. I do so enjoy pissing them off with just two words: HAPPY SMURFING HOLIDAYS!
Tori: That's three words.
Nex: Speaking of which... Nex opens up a box by his seat and pulls out some sweaters I made these Happy Holidays sweaters for just that very occasion. I say we wear these out by the shopping mall and wish everyone a Happy Holidays going inside. Double if they're wearing something that indicates they're a Christian.
Shinta: You know, purposely antagonizing Christians isn't going to help our cause. We should just celebrate the holidays we always do.
June: I agree.
Lily: Give me the sweater.
Nex: Hands a sweater to Lily
Lily: Christians are going to bitch about people saying Happy Holidays whether we actually say anything or not, we might as well have fun with it.
Shinta: How does that make us any better than them?
Lily: Well, for starters we don't believe the sky is made out of water.
Shinta: That's a generalization. Few Christians these days honestly believe the sky is made out of water. It's as rare among them as believing men have one less rib than women.
Tori: Can I have the green one?
Shinta: Tori!
Tori: I just want something warm!
Nex: Tosses the green sweater at Tori Why you hating on the holidays, bro?
Shinta: I'm not hating on anything I just think we should choose our battles more carefully, that's all.
Lily: I'm sorry, but I can't take people who still believe in a wizard in a sky who created the world with his magic wand seriously. To me they're no different than the people who still think the earth is flat or that the sun revolves around the earth.
Tori: There are people who still think the earth is flat? Do they never leave the house?
June: Not that I condone what you're doing but, is there a pink sweater in there?
Shinta: Facepalms


Tori returns home where Ayen and Mary were talking on the couch

Tori: Honey, I'm home! Oh, hi, Mary.
Mary: Hi.
The two close up their bibles and sit up
Tori: What's going on?
Mary: Ayen and I were just having a little chat about you and my concern for your immortal souls.
Ayen: According to Mary the only way into heaven is through Jesus and if you don't believe in Jesus you'll go to hell and I may be going to hell too since we're married.
Tori: Oh my God–!
Mary: You can't say that, you might offend someone Sarcasm
Tori: Mary, stop filling my husband's head with nonsense, he has enough nonsense up there as it is.
Mary: It isn't nonsense, it's the truth and if you actually took the time to read and study the bible you'd know that.
Tori: That's funny, because I did take the time to read and study the bible and you know what? That's the reason I'm an atheist!
Ayen: I'm still having trouble understanding it myself...
Mary: Ayen, pipe down, I'm trying to save you from an eternity of hellfire.
Ayen: Okay.
Tori: Mary, if you want to believe in a fairytale that's your business, but DO NOT come into MY home and use those same old fear tactics to convert my husband, do you understand me? Now get out of my house!
Mary: Fine! Grabs her bible I'll talk to you later, Ayen. Merry Christmas. Heads for the door
Ayen: Merry Christmas.
Tori: Happy Holidays.
Mary: Stops after opening the door and turns around slowly What did you say?
Tori: Happy Holidays.
Mary: I said Merry Christmas...
Tori: And I said Happy Holidays, are you deaf?
Mary: Growls and grabs Tori by the throat
Tori: What the hell!?
Mary: You wish me a Merry Christmas right now or God help me I will rip out your smurfing throat!
Tori: Have you gone mental!?
Mary: SAY MERRY CHRISTMAS!
Tori: MERRY CHRISTMAS!
Mary: Now wish me a Happy New Year!
Tori: Chokes And a Happy New Year!
Mary: Lets Tori go, calms down and smiles Thank you. Leaves the home and shuts the door behind her
Tori: That bitch is crazy!
Ayen: Um, Tori, I know you probably think all of this is silly but I'm concerned. I don't want you to go to hell, I want you to be in heaven with a halo and playing the harp.
Tori: Ayen, neither one of us is going to hell, do you know why? Because there is no hell and there is no God, the bible is just a bunch of stories that old men wrote centuries ago in order to control and oppress the population. I mean, think about it, if there was a loving and forgiving god why would he send us to hell for actually using the brains he gave us to THINK!
Ayen: That is a good point.
Tori: Look, I have a friend that's a scientist that works out at the labs near here. I can take you to him tomorrow and show how the world really came to be and once you heard both sides of the story you can make up your mind on what to believe, okay?
Ayen: Okay. That sounds fair.


Lily, Nex, Shinta and June stands outside the entrance of the shopping mall greeting people as they enter
Lily: Happy Holidays!
Nex: Happy Holidays!
Mary: Walks up to the entrance Hey guys.
Lily: Hey, Mary. Happy Holidays.
Mary: Stops and glares at Lily What did you say?
Lily: Oh, I think you heard me.
Shinta: Oh no.
Mary: Forces a smile on Merry Christmas.
Lily: Smiles condescendingly Happy Holidays.
Mary: Merry Christmas...
Lily: Speaks slowly Happy Holidays.
Mary: Steps closer to Lily Merry Christmas!
Lily: Gets in Mary's face Happy Holidays!
Mary: MERRY CHRISTMAS!
Lily: HAPPY HOLIDAYS!
Mary and Lily grab each other's hair and starts pulling on it hard, scratching and clawing with their nails and ripping off pieces of their clothes as they wrestle to the ground and start rolling around in the mud
Nex: Shinta. Shinta. Shinta. Shinta. Shinta. Shinta, is this really happening? Shinta? Pinch me.
Shinta: Whacks Nex over the back of the head
Nex: Ow! Gasps This is real!
Mary: Rubs Lily's face in the dirt Eat the dirt that God made!
Lily: Rolls on top of Mary and rubs her face in the dirt Eat the dirt that came about by – well, it's a very scientific explanation with a lot of technobabble and you wouldn't understand the process!
Shinta: Goes to break up the fighting
June: Stops him Let them fight, this has been building up for years.
Nex: Is recording the fight with a video camera Kiss her! Kiss her!
Shinta: Where did you get the camera?
Nex: Inside the mall 50% off – KISS HER!


Tori and Ayen are being shown through a lab by her friend Dr. Clark

Dr. Clark: You see, Ayen, many Christians believe that the earth is only 6,000 years old, but in fact it's actually 4.54 billion years old.
Ayen: It is? I hope to look that good when I'm 4.54 billion years old.
Tori/Dr. Clark: Laughs
Dr. Clark: You're adorable. Leads them down a hallway It all began with the Big Bang and from there million and million of years of evolution leading to us evolving alongside apes. Unfortunately a lot of people would still like to believe that the world was made in six days, that man came from dirt and woman from rib. Stops by the door at the end of the hall And that is why we must destroy religion at its source.
Tori: You see, Aye–? Wait, what?
Dr. Clark: Opens the door and leads them inside a secret room with a bunch of scientists in front of computers working with Richard Dawkins in the middle on a high chair looking near death and attached to tubes which feed him electrical signals of angry Christians reacting to atheist insults on the internet
Dr. Clark: As long as there have been religious fools we have existed. It began with the Egyptians. Types on a computer panel and an image of Egyptians worshiping their gods appeared in a holographic projector by Richard Dawkins The Greeks. A picture of the Greeks doing the same for their gods replaced the previous picture And the Greeks 2.0 which common tongue refers to as 'the Romans'. The Romans appeared on the projector next
Ayen: What's a Roman?
Dr. Clark: That brings us to the most recent entry. The Christians. Shows a bunch of images of all the different branches of Christianity The most persistent of all religions. The arrogance of these people cannot be measured, dismissing all the other world's religions as false and claiming theirs to be the only true one. Acting like this world is theirs by birth right. Look at all the chaos, all the atrocities that has been done in the name of their religion and even now politicians use these same teachings to oppress American citizens like blacks, gays, women and us non-believers.
Tori: Seriously?
Dr. Clark: Turns out to look at the two and rubs his hands together manically But don't worry, because the dawn of a new era is at hand! Soon, very soon, Christianity and all other religions will be abolished and this will be a world of freethinkers who allow science to do what it was meant to do and improve mankind! No longer will we have to hear words like, 'The bible says' or 'we can't play God' when trying to advance civilization!
Tori: Seriously!?
Dr. Clark: Thanks to our plant organizations such as the Tea Party, the WBC and the molesters in the Catholic church, more and more people fall away from Christianity and embrace our way of life. And there was only one man with the wisdom and the foresight to see these things become reality. Turns around to face Richard Dawkins Richard Dawkins. Heil Dawkins! Salutes
Scientists: Heil Dawkins! Salutes
Tori: Goddamn you, Richard Dawkins and goddamn your whole smurfing following!
Dr. Clark: Goodness damn you, Richard Dawkins and goodness damn your whole smurfing following. Saying God can be very offensive to non-Christians.
Tori: AHHHHHHHHHHHH!
Ayen: Is Obama one of your spies?
Dr. Clark: Let's see... Goes back to work on his computer Obama, Obama, Obama. Hey, Daniel, is Obama one of ours?
Daniel: Distant Just his wife.
Dr. Clark: Just his wife.
Tori: You are honestly telling me that all this time, everything people have been saying about the Atheist Agenda is true!?
Dr. Clark: What? Oh no don't be silly there's no such thing as the 'Atheist Agenda' atheists can't have an agenda.
Tori: What is all this then!?
Dr. Clark: This is the 'We Don't Need No Water Let The Mother Smurfer Burn' initiative or WDNNWLTMS if you prefer.
Ayen: Ohhhh! That makes sense. I'm sorry I called it the Atheist Agenda all this time, hon.
Tori: You CANNOT be serious!
Dr. Clark: Oh, but we are. Look at him! Points to Richard Dawkins
Richard Dawkins: Moans like a zombie
Dr. Clark: Look at the power!
Ayen: What are all those tubes for?
Dr. Clark: To transmit the energy from Christians hating on his comments on social media networks.
Tori: What?
Dr. Clark: Once that energy reaches its peak we'll have enough power to launch a massive energy beam on the world to eradicate the Christian presence from the world forever!
Ayen: Uhh... what was the point of all the spies and stuff if you could just do this?
Dr. Clark: Shut up.
Tori: Ayen, we have to do something. These people are insane!
Ayen: But you said–
Tori: Forget what I said! I think religion on a whole is stupid and people who believe in it are just deluding themselves but they don't deserve to die! We have to do something now!
Ayen: Well, I know only one thing that can stop any atheist from being able to function to do anything ever.
Tori: And what's that?
Ayen: Christmas Shoes.
Tori: Christmas shoes?
Ayen: Christmas Shoes.


Back at the shopping mall it was night, the mall was closed and in front of the entrance in snow was Lily and Mary frozen in a block of ice at each other's throats in nothing but their bra and panties
Nex: Pushes against the heavy block of ice with his back, grunting and panting as he got it behind his truck and then turned around, bent his knees and lifted up the block of ice to load onto the back of his truck, grinning widely and staring at the two inside the ice when suddenly the block of ice weight started to affect him, making his knees shake and his hands freeze as the ice was starting to come back down on top of him No, no, no, no, no, no! Nex fell back into the snow with the ice crushing down on his chest and interfering with his breathing, he gasped for air unable to get any as he was being choked but his eyes stared at the women inside the ice and he passed out with a look of bliss on his face and his tongue sticking out


Back at the lab Dr. Clark oversaw Richard Dawkins gaining ultimate power and was prepared to fire the energy beam to destroy all the Christians in the world with a sinister grin covering his face

Dr. Clark: Say goodbye.
Radio: Sir I wanna buy these shoes
For my mama. please
Dr. Clark: What the hell is that? Looks around
Radio: It's Christmas eve and these shoes are just her size
Could you hurry sir
Scientists: Also looks around
Radio: Daddy says there's not much time
You see
Richard Dawkins: Uhhh? Moans like a zombie some more and looks up at the railing
Ayen: Behind the railing on the above floor holding up the radio over his head with both hands
Tori: Standing next to Ayen while covering her ears with her hands and has her eyes closed
Radio: She's been sick for quite a while And I
know these shoes will make her smile And I
Want her to look beautiful
If mama meets Jesus tonight
Richard Dawkins: Ewwwwwww!
Dr. Clark: Turn that racket off!
Scientist #1: It's terrible!
Scientist #2: I... I don't even know where to begin with my criticism it's that bad.
Dr. Clark: This is without a doubt the WORST song I have ever heard in my life! It's lyrics are terrible, it's nothing more than cheap emotional porn! This is worse than Justin Bieber! This is worse than Miley Cyrus! This is worse than country music! Turn it off!
Ayen: It's working! They can't stand it!
Scientist #1: Starts banging his head repeatedly on the table
Scientist #2: Also starts banging his head repeatedly on the table
The other scientists: Bash their heads in on the nearest hardest object they could find
Dr. Clark: I CAN'T TAKE ANY MORE! Bash his head on his keyboard over and over again until he and the other scientists all start to bleed out and fall over on the floor
Richard Dawkins: Tries to get out of his chair but is stuck by the tubes Uhh! Uhhhh! Uhhhhhhh! I'm melting! Starts to melt slowly in his seat I'm melting! Melts into a puddle
Tori and Ayen makes it down to the ground floor and walk over the bloodied scientists
Tori: This proves nothing by the way.
Ayen: Just keeps walking
Tori: They didn't all die because they were atheists. Anyone with half decent musical taste would have bashed their heads in at the sound of that garbage.
Ayen: Comes to a stop and looks at Tori Tori, hon, I'm tired of fighting. Do you want to go home and watch the cast of How I Met Your Mother try to be funny?
Tori: Smiles I would like that.
The two leaves the lab while holding hands