Cast
Tori
Ayen
Mary

#1 Trouble in Paradise

Ring! Ring!

Tori: Picks up the phone Hello?
Ayen: Yeah, hon? They got me working overtime at the office so I'm going to be late for dinner.
Tori: Again? Isn't there anyone else out there that can cover for you?
Ayen: I'm afraid not, hon. I'll try to be home as soon as I can. Love you, bye.
Tori: Love you too. Hangs up
Mary: He's working late again?
Tori: I know... They've had him working overtime all week.
Mary: I see...
Tori: What?
Mary: Well, I don't want to alarm you but when my friend Carol's husband started working overtime she found out he was cheating on her.
Tori: No, Ayen wouldn't cheat on me.
Mary: I suppose not.
Tori: Although, I guess there would be no harm in checking the caller ID to make sure he's actually calling from work?
Mary: I guess there wouldn't be.
Tori: Leans over the couch and checks the caller ID I... I don't recognize this address at all.
Mary: Uh oh.
Tori: That son of a chibi! Rises up from her seat and heads outside I'll kill him!
Mary: Now, Tori, let's not do anything rash! Hurries to grab her popcorn and drink before following Tori out to the car
Tori: When I get my hands on him he's going to wish his boss was making him work overtime! Get in, Mary!
Mary: I'm coming! I'm coming! I only got both my hands full here, jeez!

The two drove off in Tori's car and moments later parked in front of a home where the only lights that were on was coming from the garage door

Mary: Really? You have a whole house at your disposal and you pick the garage?
Tori: Come on!
The two exit the car and move up to the garage door where Tori lifts it open and the two gasp at what they saw inside.
Tori: Oh my God!
Mary: It's worse than we thought.
Nissan Skyline: Vroom! Vroom!
Ayen: Under the hood I know you do, baby!
Tori: AYEN!
Ayen: jumps, hitting his head against the hood moon turds! Drops his tools Dammit! Gets out from under the hood and spins around to see Tori and Mary Tori! It's not what it looks like!
Mary: Yeah... I'm going to go now Walks off
Tori: You've been pretending to work overtime this whole week so you can work on a car!? And you don't even have the class to cheat on me with a Dodge Charger?
Nissan Skyline: VROOOOOM!
Ayen: Shh, shh, baby. She didn't mean it.
Mary: from the front of the house I just remembered you're my ride home so I'm just going to wait by the car!
Ayen: Look, Tori, I didn't mean for it to end up this way. I stopped by the bar on my way home from work and well...

FLASHBACK!

Ayen: Is given a drink by the barkeep Keep them coming!
Nissan Skyline: Drives up to Ayen, Vroom! Vroom!
Ayen: Blushes Not much. Just killing some time before going back to the misses. I'm married Shows wedding ring
Nissan Skyline: Vroom! Vroom!
Ayen: You're too kind.
Nissan Skyline: Vroom! Vroom!
Ayen: Thanks. Some times though it feels like she can't stand to be around me.
Nissan Skyline: Vroom? Vroom?
Ayen: She yells at me every now and again.
Nissan Skyline: Vroom? Vroom?
Ayen: I suppose it is.
Nissan Skyline: Vroom! Vroom!
Ayen: I appreciate it.
Nissan Skyline: Vroom? Vroom?
Ayen: I... I don't think that would be the best idea. I had a lot to drink.
Nissan Skyline: Vroom! Vroom!
Ayen: …
(Before I knew it one thing led to another)

Ayen leans back into the car seat with a moan, strapping himself in and then caressing the steering wheel and listening to the purr of the engine before putting the car in drive and slamming his feet on the gas pedal
Ayen: WOOHOO!
Nearly runs over a bunch of innocent people while driving around like a maniac, police sirens sounds seconds later as a patrol car starts chasing him down – Ayen sees the patrol car in his rear view mirror and narrows his eyes, pushing the heel of his foot even harder on the gas as he picked up speed and made a jump across an opening ramp
(That DID NOT happen!)

FLAHBACK END!

Ayen: Okay, so I made that last part up. And I know this is a bad time to ask but I'm going to need you to drive me to my court date tomorrow for the DUI because they took my license away.
Mary: Distant voice Is he still talking about the car?
Tori: They took your license away!?
Ayen: Only temporarily until I can get the help I need.
Tori: Whose house is this anyway?
Ayen: Well... It's mine.
Tori: WHAT?!
Ayen: I just bought it so I can work on the car, I got a very good deal for it!
Tori: You have a DUI and you bought a house!? We can barely afford the house we have now!
Ayen: What? I'm not paying for that DUI I'm fighting it. I was not drunk, Tori, I was tipsy. There's a big difference!
Tori: You loss your license, got pulled over for driving under the influence, put yourself and everyone else on the road in danger and bought ANOTHER house all for this harlot?
Nissan Skyline: Vroom! Vroom!
Tori: What did you call me?
Nissan Skyline: Vroom! Vroom!
Tori: You wanna go? We're go!
Ayen: Stands in front of Tori Tori, please, I just got the carburetor fixed and gave her a new paint job.
Tori: You know what, Ayen? If you'd rather spend your time alone working on this car then you can walk yourself to the courthouse and don't bother coming home! Storms off
Ayen: Tori, please! Wait!
Nissan Skyline: Vroom! Vroom!
Ayen: Don't you make this any worse than it already is!
Tori: Enters the car and drives off with Mary
Ayen: Drops to knees and starts crying
Nissan Skyline: Drives after Tori
Ayen: Nissan, no!

Mary: I'm guessing that didn't go so well.
Tori: Sees the Nissan coming in her rear view mirror Oh she is not! Stops abruptly and pulls out a bat
Mary: Tori, what did I say about not doing anything rash? Tori, it's not worth it!
Tori: Gets out of the car with the bat and faces the Nissan
Nissan Skyline: Vroom! Vroom! HONK!
Tori: You wanna play, chibi? Let's play! Swings the bat against a headlight smashing it
Ayen: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! Running to the scene
Tori: Continues to swing the bat against the hood of the car, smashing the front windshield and then going around the car busting out each window, denting the door and a taillight before delivering a couple more swings to the top
Ayen: Throws himself in front of the car No more please for the love of God stop!
Tori: Screams and throws the bat away before going back into her car and driving off
Ayen: Cries some more I'm so sorry, babe. I never meant for any of this to happen!


Tori is alone inside a shopping mall looking over clothes when she feels a soft tap against her shoulder prompting her to turn around to see a beautiful dark green silk dress with a long skirt and sleeves waving at her.
Tori: Oh, hi. Sees the price tag is five thousand dollars and gasps I'm afraid you're much too expensive for me.
Dress: The top of the dress tilts down in sorrow
Tori: So sorry. Tori picked out a sunflower dress and held it up to herself while looking in the mirror
Dress: Rises up in front of the dress and leans up against Tori while she's still looking in the mirror
Tori: I already told you no! Turns around and puts the sunflower dress away
Dress: Wraps its sleeves around Tori from behind and whispers into her ear
Tori: You're very sweet but money is tight right now – I shouldn't even be here. I got into a fight with my husband and–
Dress: Unwraps sleeves from around Tori and shakes them to signal her to stop, leading her back over in front of the mirror as it fastened a white necklace around her neck, diamond earrings on her ears, a silver bracelet for her right arm, ruby red lipsticks on her lips and matching nail polish
Tori: No, no, I can't afford this–
Dress: Holds open sleeve to her mouth to shush her and brings up a matching green leather purse to go with the dress
Tori: This is perfect! Takes the purse and holds it
Dress: Holds up a pair of white slipper heels as well
Tori: Fusses I can't get any of this. Maybe if my no good husband didn't need to pay for a DUI, a second house and a stupid car maybe we'd have more money lying around.
Dress: The dress slowly inserted it sleeve into Tori's pocket
Tori: Gasps, shivers softly at the fabric brushing against her leg
Dress: Pulls out her credit card and waves it in her face
Tori: Looks at it through wide eyes and a smile You magnificent bastard, I could kiss you!

A FEW MINUTES LATER

Tori: Leaves the store in the green dress, heels, the purse around her right shoulder and carrying four bags, two each per hand while singing I'm the most beautiful girl in the world! And boys will be howling, and girls will be growling as I walk through the door! Yes, I'm the most beautiful girl – the most beautiful girl – the most beautiful girl...!
Passer Byer: Get over yourself!
Tori: Trips the person
Passer Byer: Falls to the floor Hey!
Tori: IN THE WORLD! Dances off with a grin


Tori was home in her room looking at herself in the mirror
Tori: I could be a princess in this – no, a queen. Or an empress. Queen Tori – Empress Tori – Queen Tori – Empress Tori – I'm not sure which sounds better I could get used to both. I could have a castle and a league of royal subjects that yields to my every command and shirtless man servants who see to my every desire and fan me with palm leaves while feeding me grapes!
Dress: Whispers
Tori: It's only sexist when men do it.
Dress: Whispers
Tori: No it is not! Besides, there isn't a straight man alive who wouldn't want to be mine when they see me in this.
Dress: Whispers
Tori: Gay men are welcomed to be fanned and fed grapes alongside me, they are fabulous!
Suddenly Tori could hear the sound of the door downstairs opening and closing as Ayen made his return to the house
Tori: moon turds! Tori quickly changed clothes and hid the dress in the closet, removed her jewelry and makeup and then got into bed putting a random book in her face by the time Ayen entered the room
Ayen: Um... Hi...
Tori: Lowers the book and fake smiles Hello, Ayen, I didn't recognize you without your head under a hood.
Ayen: Yeah, yeah, get your shots in. I had to replace six windows, a door, a headlight and a taillight because of you.
Tori: Well maybe the next time you want to take a joyride and buy a house YOU'LL CONSULT ME!
Ayen: Sniffs the air Is that perfume?
Tori: No it isn't.
Ayen: Walks over to the closet
Tori: Don't open it!
Ayen: Opens the closet to find the dress What the–!? What are you doing in here!
Ayen pulls the dress out of the closet and starts wrestling with it
Tori: Crawls over to the edge of the bed You both stop it right now!
Dress: Starts to strangle Ayen
Ayen: Coughs and struggles
Tori: Knock it off right now!
The two fall to the floor and Ayen rolls to be on top of the dress, grabbing its front and then tearing it apart with his bare hands
Tori: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
Ayen: Take that you piece of moon turds! Teach you to mess around with my wife!
Tori: That dress cost five thousand dollars!
Ayen: Five thousand dollars!? We don't have that kind of money!
Tori: Oh, but we happen to have just enough lieing around to buy a car and a second home!? Isn't that convenient?
Ayen: The car didn't cost that much. The house didn't cost that much!
Tori: Well you may as well get rid of both because we'll be living in the streets thanks to your stupidity!
Ayen: I'm not the one who spent money we didn't have!
Tori: Well maybe if you didn't spend all your time in a damn garage I wouldn't have to seek comfort elsewhere!
Ayen: And maybe if you weren't such an enormous chibi I wouldn't have to hide out in a garage!
Tori: Starts to tear up I don't have to listen to this. I'm leaving!
Ayen: Fine! Leave! See if I care!
Tori: Runs out of the house crying
Ayen: Kicks the bed and sits down in a huff


Tori is sitting on a curb smoking a cigarette in the middle of the night as she's nearly blinded by headlights, the beams of which then turn low as the Nissan drove up
Tori: I see Ayen got you fixed.
Nissan Skyline: Vroom! Vroom!
Tori: At least he's under one of our hoods. Takes another drag of her cigarette
Nissan Skyline: Vroom! Vroom!
Tori: Yes I know it's bad for me. I don't smoke because it's healthy I smoke to relax. It was either that or alcohol and at least with this I won't pass out and wake up the next morning with a headache the size of your trunk.
Nissan Skyline: Vroom? Vroom?
Tori: No one drinks in moderation when they're upset.
Nissan Skyline: Vroom! Vroom!
Tori: Come to gloat?
Nissan Skyline: Vroom! Vroom!
Tori: For what?
Nissan Skyline: Vroom! Vroom!
Tori: That's very big of you. I suppose I owe you an apology too my behavior the other day was unacceptable.
Nissan Skyline: Vroom! Vroom!
[b]Tori: I treat him no differently than any other wife treats their husband.
Nissan Skyline: Vroom! Vroom!
Tori: We're talking about the man who got behind the wheel of a car drunk off his chibi! He was lucky no one was seriously hurt or killed! What would he do if I wasn't here, if I just got hit by a bus or a piano fell on me? How would he manage on his own?
Nissan Skyline: Vroom? Vroom?
Tori: I don't mean to yell at him. It just tends to happen that way.
Nissan Skyline: Vroom! Vroom!
Tori: There's more to life than repairing cars.
Nissan Skyline: Vroom...
Tori: I suppose it is a start. Takes another drag
Nissan Skyline: Vroom? Vroom? Opens car door
Tori: I don't suppose you have an ashtray in there?
Nissan Skyline: VROOM!
Tori: You're all right, Nissan. Sits up and enters the car to drive home

Tori made it home, leaving the car in the driveway as she entered the house and looked for Ayen
Tori: Ayen? Are you there? We need to talk.
Ayen: Surprise!
Tori looked up to see Ayen at the top of the stairs holding up her dress that was now as good as new
Tori: My dress!
Ayen: Walks down the stairs I looked up how to sew online and managed to fix your dress for you, see?
Dress: Takes a bow and shakes Ayen's hand
Ayen: Good as new.
Tori: I don't know what to say...
Ayen: Just know I'm sorry. For everything. I figured it out and if I sell the second house and the car as well as take up a second job we can pay off the dress and everything else you bought at the store. It's the least I can do after everything.
Tori: That's actually what I wanted to talk to you about. Opens up the shades to show Nissan sitting outside
Ayen: Nissan! Runs outside to hug her
Tori: Follows him out alongside the dress
Nissan Skyline: Vroom! Vroom!
Ayen: You made up? That's great! Does this mean I can–?
Tori: Keep it? Yes.
Ayen: What about the money?
Tori: We'll sell my car.
Ayen: But you love that car.
Tori: I love you more. Besides, as it stands we only need one car and there's nothing wrong with having a Nissan.
Nissan Skyline: Vroom!
Ayen: I love you.
Tori: I love you too.
The two shared a kiss, Nissan honked her horn and flashed her lights in delight while the dress flapped his sleeves together in a clap
Ayen: What do you say you and I check out the backseat?
Tori: Ooh la la, I am there.
Nissan Skyline: VROOOOOOOOOOOM! Immediately pulls out of the driveway and runs off down the road
Ayen: Nissan! Chases after Don't be such a chibi block, Nissan!
Tori: Laughs
Dress: Shrugs
Nissan Skyline: HONK! HONK!
Ayen: Nissan you get your taillights back here this instance!

[/b]

Cast
Tori
Ayen

#3 Lock and Load

A guy breaks into a school with a weapon and starts shooting at things, suddenly a sound goes off and confetti falls down from the ceiling as a man in a suit comes up to him with some ladies in bikinis, because you know, everything has to have more half naked women in them

Suit Man: Congratulations, sir, you are Colorado 1000th shooter!
Gunman: I am? Oh my God I am!
Suit Man: And as your prize we're giving you this one of a kind gold AR-15!
The women open up this case with the golden AR-15 inside and hands it to the gunman
Gunman: It's beautiful! Shoots the suit man, shoots the women and then starts shooting everything else

Tori and Ayen are on the couch watching this on TV
Tori: How do all these maniacs keep getting their hands on all these guns?
Ayen: People don't lock up their weapons like they're supposed to.
Tori: Yeah, I highly doubt that's the only reason. When are we going to see some actual provisions on these things? When are Americans going to learn that guns kill people?
Ayen: Oh, do they now?
Tori: Yes!
Ayen: Tori... Can I see you in the kitchen for a minute. Walks into the kitchen
Tori: Oh, God, not this crap again! Follows Ayen
Ayen: Just come into the kitchen real quick like.
Tori: I'm here already!
Ayen: Takes out a pistol, loads it up and puts it on the table Go ahead, Mr. Gun, fire at the wife. Fire at the wife.
Tori: Rolls eyes
Ayen: Shoot my wife please!
Tori: You'll find yourself on a one-way ticket to sleeping on the couch if you keep this up.
Ayen: The point I'm trying to make is that guns don't kill people, people kill people–
Gun: Gets up and shoots Tori
Ayen: OH MY GOD! TORI!
Tori: Falls over and starts to bleed out Oh, Jesus Christ, are you happy now, Ayen!
Ayen: Oh my God, I'm so sorry!
Gun: Wait, didn't you want me to shoot her?
Ayen: No! I was being sarcastic.
Gun: Sarcastic?
Ayen: I was trying to prove a point!
Gun: What point would that be, exactly?
Tori: Just call a damn ambulance, you idiot!
Ayen: Oh man, they're going to think I shot her.
Gun: Right... Because a gun just got up, set itself on the table and shot your wife. Idiot. Jumps down from the table and walks into the living room I'm going to watch some Scrubs.


Ayen is at the hospital by his wife's side with the doctor

Doctor: You're going to be just fine, Mrs. Matthews, the bullet didn't hit any vital areas and just missed the bone.
Ayen: Oh thank God, I'm so happy Goes to hug his wife
Tori: Don't touch me and Doctor, call me Ms. Jacobs until further notice.
Doctor: Okay... Do either of you know how the gun went off.
Ayen: It's very weird. The gun just got up and shot her for no reason.
Doctor: Riiiiight...
Liberal: I TOLD YOU!
Ayen: Oh no...
Liberal: Runs into the room I told you all that guns were dangerous and ended lives and now look what happened, they're getting up and shooting poor defenseless women in their homes!
Tori: I'd watch who you're calling poor and defenseless if I were you.
Ayen: You guys don't waste any time, do you?
Liberal: Clearly the logical thing to do is to ban all guns nationwide before they kill again!
Conservative: Don't listen to that idiot! Enters the room
Doctor: Um... This room is reserved for family and friends of the patient only.
Conservative: Yeah, yeah. Pays the doctor off Obviously this whole situation is the cause of serious neglect in the home. Sir, when was the last time you spent some good quality time with your gun?
Tori: Are we seriously having this conversation right now?
Conservative: Quiet, sweetie, the men are talking.
Tori: Oh I know you DID NOT just say that!
Ayen: Hon, remember your blood pressure.
Tori: When I get out of here my foot is going to be so far up your ass my toes are going to replace your tongue!
Liberal: Oh, don't let that sexist bigot get to you, they're all the same. Too rich and powerful to know what's good for the common human.
Conservative: And don't listen to this entitled jackass! He's so used to the system taking care of him that, well, just smell him, he hasn't taken a shower in weeks!
Liberal: The only entitlements here are the billions and billions of dollars that you roll around in everyday!
Tori: Why couldn't the gun have aimed for my head?
Ayen: Look, if it would get you guys out of here quicker the last time I went out with my gun was last week at the fishing rink.
Tori: You took your gun fishing? What, were you afraid Jaws was going to pop up out of the pond?
Ayen: Well, you never know.
Conservative: That's right you never know and dirty no good rotten liberals like this man over here would rather you go out unprepared than to stay safe!
Tori: Okay, I had enough of this. NISSAN!
Nissan Skyline: Vroom! Vroom!
Nissan breaks into the room and its engines growled at the liberal and the conservative, threatening to run them both over as she chased them out of the room and honked her horn at Tori
Tori: Thanks, Nissan!
Doctor: Right... I'm just going to leave this TV on Turns on the TV And let you be. Leaves the room
Tori: Finally some peace and quiet.
Ayen: Sits down next to Tori

On the TV
News Reporter: It seems that guns from all around the world are getting up and walking away, right after firing on a friend or relative of their gun owners. Runs up to a passing semi-automatic We caught up to one of the guns now and he had this to say – sir, how come you shot your gun owner's younger brother?
Semi-Automatic: He told me to!
News Reporter: You do know he was being sarcastic, yes?
Semi-Automatic: What the hell does that mean!?
News Reporter: We also have this security footage of a bank robbery just moments ago!
Black and white footage shows an assault rifle holding up a bank
Assault Rifle: Put the money in the bag!
Woman: Yes, okay, please don't hurt me!
Assault Rifle: Put the money in the bag! Don't try to be a hero.
Woman: Puts all the money in the bag and hands it over to the assault rifle
Assault Rifle: Takes the money and leaves just to be met by police cars outside Oh, you just smurfed up! Starts shooting everyone in the bank taking out the camera
News Reporter: Already conservatives and liberals have spoken out about what they believe should be done about this latest development.
Liberal: Clearly, it is now evident through actual video tape footage that guns kill people. I think we all need to come together as a nation and do the right thing. Ban all firearms before they kill again!
Conservative: It's just like liberals to use cheap fear tactics to scare ordinary citizens into doing what they think is right. These guns are sentient beings now and that gives them certain rights as detailed in the United States Constitution that liberals have been destroying for the past five years! Maybe we should stop looking at guns as the problem and start looking at ourselves. Have we been taking care of these weapons? Have we given them a caring, loving, traditional family home where they can grow and develop naturally? Or have we left them in the care of those godless, liberal, homosexual, entitled douchebags!?
Tea Party Member: GUNS ARE AWESOME! Makes out with a Glock

Tori turns the TV off
Tori: I'm suddenly not in the mood for TV.


Everyone gathered into City Hall and jumped up and down and shook their fists at how much chaos has happened since the awakening of firearms

Mayor: Now, if everyone can just settle down and speak one at a time.
Man: This has gone on long enough! I can't even leave my own house in fear that my family and I are going to be shot and we can't protect ourselves because the weapons we would have used to do that are the ones who may very well end up shooting us!
Woman: Who says they have to wait until you leave the home? They can very well come back and shoot you while you're inside your home! No one is safe!
Crowd: A bunch of people try to talk at once and gets jumbled up with no one being able to make out a word
Mayor: Please, people, calm down!
The doors to the entrance suddenly opens up and a man with a pistol walking next to him step into the room causing everyone else to go dead quiet
Gun: Hello, can I have a word?
Mayor: In shock Y-yes. Please.
Gun: The gun walks up to the stage where the mayor was with his owner Ladies and gentlemen, I come before you today not as a weapon, but a sentient being with individual likes and dislikes. I know many of you are scared and you have a right to be, something marvelous has happened here today and many of my kin has taken advantage of their newly found freedom to do some horrible things, but I'm here to tell you that we are all not like the weapons you see on the news shooting innocent civilians on the street or robbing banks. We're still the same loyal firearms that you brought into your homes to keep your family safe and now we have the ability to protect you even further. To make sure that the disasters that has happened in the past with guns never happen again. Observe.
Gun Owner: Takes the pistol to his head and squeeze the trigger
Crowd: Gasp
Gun: Jams itself
Gun Owner: Puts the gun down unharmed
Crowd: In awe
Gun: Now that we have a consciousness, we can prevent countless tragedies by simply jamming ourselves to prevent any more loss of human life. I offer to you a hand of friendship so that together we can make the world a safer place for both human and gun kind.
Crowd: Long pause and breaks out into applauds
Mayor: Wipes away a tear That was beautiful.
Gun: Now just allow me to unjam myself here... Unjams with a loud snapping noise Damn! That hurt more than my gun owner's wife pot roast.
Crowd: Laughs
Gun: Seriously, don't eat it, you'll die. I'm pretty sure she's been taking my ammunition and grinding it into the pot roast. That is not what the phrase meant by 'eat led'.
Crowd: Silence

On the news in front of City Hall
News Reporter: It would seem that after much fear about the conscience of firearms, Kansas City's Mayor and spokesperson for the 'Guns are still your friend' association have come to a new agreement.
Camera cuts to the mayor
Mayor:  We hope that this union here in Kansas sparks the first of many agreements with our brothers and sisters in US Firearms and bring us forward to a better and brighter future.
News Reporter: Already the decision has sparked public outrage between conservatives and liberals.
Liberal: This just goes to show how insane the gun culture in America really is. These are weapons that were made with the intent of killing people more easily and now not only do conservatives want these guns in the hands of the public, but they want the guns to be allowed to run off on their own fully loaded around women and children!
Conservative: I find it laughable that liberals who are always talking about 'equal rights' are now so willing to step on the rights of these guns who only want to help make the world a better place by stopping violence! Because at the end of the day that is what guns have always been about, stopping violence!
Liberal: They were made to cause violence not stop it!
Conservative: Why don't you go back to your gay club, Liberal?
Liberal: How about you go back to your rich man's club, Conservative!
Tea Party Member: Still making out with the Glock
Conservative: You're a godless piece of crap!
Liberal: You're a close minded bigot!
Conservative: Why don't you come over here and say that to my face! Loads up pistol
Liberal: Oh yeah, get your gun so you can feel like a real man!
Conservative: I don't need a gun to whip your ass!
Liberal: Prove it! Put the gun down and fight me like a man!
Conservative: Puts down gun Come on then!
Liberal: I'll kill you!
The two start to beat the living crap out of each other
News Reporter: Uhh... Back to you guys at KCTV5.


Tori and Ayen drove up to a bar and got out of Nissan to head inside

Ayen: I think a nice cool beverage is just what the doctor ordered. Laughs Get it? Doctor?
Tori: Yeah, hilarious, open the door for me I can barely lift up my arm because I was shot!
Ayen: Like John McCain!
Tori: Oh, yeah, wonderful. I get to be compared by a guy who looks like he can drop dead any minute. Open the door!
Ayen: Opens the door for Tori
Tori: Enters the bar to see a bunch of guns there hanging out What the hell?
Ayen: Ooh.
Revolver: Walks up to Tori Hey sweet thing, can I interest you in a drink?
Tori: Get the hell away from me you creep!
Revolver: Suit yourself.
S&W: Whistles at Ayen while he and Tori are heading to the bar Nice ass!
Ayen: Oh, thank you. Nice muzzle.
Tori: Ayen!
Ayen: It would have been rude not to say anything nice back.
Tori: Sighs Barkeep, get me a martini over here stat!
Beretta: Turns around to face Tori and Ayen Coming right up!
Tori: What the hell!? How does a gun become the bartender of a bar!?
Beretta: Whips up a martini in just a couple of seconds and places it down in front of Tori Like that.
Ayen: Wow, that's amazing! Where did you learn to do that?
Beretta: Bar school for guns out by the legends.
Ayen: They have a bar school out there now?
Beretta: They have everything out there now.
Tori: Unbelievable. Our city is being overran by smurfing guns!
Ayen: Hey now, these guns are just trying to fit in with our society, you should be nice to them.
Tori: Ayen, are you forgetting that these were the things that shot me?
Ayen: That was just one gun, though. You can't judge a whole group by the actions of just a few.
Beretta: Listen to him, Red, he has a good head on his shoulders.
Tori: I am not taking advice from a goddamn Beretta!
Beretta: Fine. Smith and Wesson you have a customer!
Tori: Let's go, Ayen! Takes martini and leaves
Ayen: Follows her out
S&W: Stops at the door If you ever want to trade up give me a call. Hands Ayen her telephone number
Ayen: Um... Okay. I'm pretty happy with my current gun though.
S&W: Giggles You better stop!
Tori: Distant Get your butt out here, Ayen!
Ayen: Coming, hon! Bye. Leaves with his wife

[/b]


On a military ship out in the ocean

General: Listen up, people, the president is on his way. You know what that means, put on your oxygen masks!
All the soldiers put on gas masks as the president enters the room with a foul stench emitting from underneath his armpits
President B.O: Greetings, General, on behalf of the American people I'd like to thank you, ah, and the good men and women here for your service. Lends hand for a shake
General: Yes, of course... Puts on gloves and then shakes his hand Thank you, Mr. President. Removes the gloves and throws them out immediately before leading the president over to a table with toy battleships on it
President B.O: What did you need to discuss with me about, General?
General: Mr. President, as you well know firearms all across the world has gathered consciousness.
President B.O: It's quite remarkable, isn't it?
General: Yes, it is. But you see, Mr. President, if they have a consciousness then that means they can make their own choices.
President B.O: Yeah?
General: It also means that they could... refuse to work for us.
President B.O: Looks concerned What are you saying?
General: I'm saying if these guns we have in our military decided they didn't want to fight for us anymore and instead wanted to fight for the enemy, well, you know...
President B.O: You know what?
General: You know...
President B.O: Blinks
General: You know...
President B.O: …
General: Oh for the love of crap, it means they could turn on us!
President B.O: Ohh... I see what you're saying.
General: No you don't... Look, if those guns were to decide to jam on our troops in the middle of a foxhole we could lose a lot of good men out there.
President B.O: What do you suggest we do?
General: Mr. President... We need to ban all firearms in the country.
President B.O: Looks shocked
Soldier: I'm sorry, I have to say something. Holds up deodorant Will you PLEASE put this on the smell is starting to slip through the gas mask!
President B.O: Blinks




Tori and Ayen makes it back home and sits down on the sofa

Tori: This has been the worst day of my life.
Ayen: There, there, honey, I'm sure some TV will make you feel better.
Turns on the TV to find the news
News Reporter: In a shocking turn of events President Barack Obama have signed an executive order to apprehend all the nation's firearms! Needless to say, guys, that the American people are not going to spend this one laying down!
Ayen: Oh no, the day my father was fearing has come. Obama is going to take our guns away!
Tori: Stands up and starts to leave
Ayen: Where are you going?
Tori: Whatever point there is to today I'm pretty sure it has nothing to do with me so I'm going to bed. Goodnight, Ayen.
Ayen: But–!
Tori: Goodnight, Ayen! Goes to bed
News Reporter: We take you now to the final stand of man and handgun.
The TV switches to a handgun leading an army of rednecks, pistols and rifles
Gun: My friends, the time has come where we must take up arms as our forefathers knew we would one day have to and protect what is rightfully ours as written in the US Constitution.
Tea Party Member: YEAH!
Gun: A day may come when the courage of men and guns fails, when we forsake our friends and break all bonds of fellowship, but it is not this day. An hour of asses and shattered metal, when the age of men and gun come crashing down! But it is not this day! This day we show that they may take our lives, but they will never take... OUR FREEDOM!!
Everyone cheers and then the group charges into battle as an army of tanks and jets approach them, the rebel group continues to charge forward without fear and screaming at the top of their lungs as the tanks just roll towards them all slow like, the rebel continue to scream and finally reach the tanks only to be crushed flat underneath the tanks' wheels with ease as the guns and men cry out in agony as the jets from above rain down bullets and bombs causing smoke and debris to pick up everywhere as the guns and men continue to scream

The next day
News Reporter: And that was the end of what shall forever be known as the Two Minute War. In other news what is that Miley Cyrus up to now? Find out why the controversial pop star is making headlines once again when we return.
Tori: Enters the living room to see Ayen watching the news What's going on?
Ayen: Miley Cyrus did something bad again.
Tori: … Walks away